America's Next Top Model recap
While there were no catfights on last night's episode of America's Next Top Model, there was a hell of a lot of crying--if it's not one thing, it's always another. So, the girls started out with a yoga class taught by a Swedish stud named Savaas (who I swear used to teach kickboxing at Crunch), because to be a serious top model, you have to do yoga. Then everyone's favorite judge Janice Dickinson showed up and actually did something practical, which was show the girls how to pose. Seriously, that's the most rational thing they've had to do thus far. As for Janice, I love the woman, but someone needs to keep her away from the plastic surgeon's office--she's starting to look like a post-op trannie. Anyway, then the girls had heart-to-hearts with Tyra; most of them cried, especially Toccara, who has some sort of issue with her parents and seems to think that becoming a world-famous plus-size model will help bring her family back together. (I hate to burst her bubble...) Kelle cried about not being able to pose, then looked in the mirror and cried again, then went to talk to Toccara and cried some more. Kelle clearly has issues with her ethnicity, especially with her mouth, which she has taken to calling her "snout." (The funniest part of this was when Kelle showed Toccara a picture of a girl with similarly big lips in a magazine, and Toccara made the valid point, "Bitch is gettin' paid!") Kelle managed to pull her shit together and win the pose-in-lingerie-in-the-window-of-La-Perla contest, judged by Simon Doonan, my favorite bitchy queen ever. Simon was surprisingly subdued, although he made an incredibly accurate assessment of Jennipher: "You look like you're on Quaaludes." Priceless. Then the girls had an even more ridiculous photo shoot, in which they had to model Dooney & Bourke handbags while skating on roller skates and wearing club kid-cum-disco diva outfits. Surprisingly, a lot of them nailed the shots; not so much for Cassie, Toccara, Ann, Kelle, and Jennipher...who got the boot, deservedly so.

Next week, there appears to be some major incident involving brownies, and Cassie talks about her "eating disorder." (I put "eating disorder" in quotes because I have known quite a few bulimics (and anorexics) in my time, and not one of them has ever come right out and said, "I have an eating disorder." While they may know this deep down inside, they don't broadcast it, nor do they admit it when provoked.) And, as for the next elimination, my money's on Kelle.

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